Clash of the Titans (1981)

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I like this movie poster and there are so many to choose from.
Like the poster the trailer is one of many but this is my fave

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle or a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

SYNOPSIS

Ok, where to start with this? Maybe a bullet point kind thing as it might make it easier to follow. Here we go………

King Acrisius played by Donald Houston – King of Argos – has a daughter, Danae played buy the amazing backside of Vida Taylor, and she is smokin’ hot so he locks her up so no blokes can get their sweaty hands on her.

Zeus, here played by Laurence Olivier, – King of the Gods – is having none of this and promptly visits the mortal realm to give her a taste of his lightning bolt! Zeus is a fool and didn’t wrap his tool and the princess gets knocked up with Zeus’ son Perseus played by Harry Hamlin.

Acrisius is so mad with Zeus that he seals his daughter and new born grandson into a wooden box that he flings into the ocean.

Zeus is pissed off with this and orders Jack Gwillim as Poseidon to “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” to destroy Argos. Release the Kraken is something that usually only gets shouted out during one of Zeus’ massive shits…… just saying –

All of this happens in the first 10 mins of the movie. We then follow our hero Perseus as he tries to rescue Judi Bowker as princess Andromeda who is to be sacrificed to the Kraken in order to stop the city of Joppa meeting the safe fate as Argos – again the bidding of Zeus, yeah, I’ll get into that in the scene by scene. Perseus learns that the head of the Gorgon Medusa can turn any living thing is gazes upon to stone so the lad is off to kill him a snake chick so he can use her head to kill the Kraken. I’ll be honest I don’t think I have ever tried this hard to get my leg over! So you might be thinking poor Perseus how ever will he manage this incredible feat of heroism?? Well he is a demi god to start with and he gets a band of brave cannon fodder….. I mean soldiers to go with him, he also has some of the other gods looking out for him and they gift him with some magic stuff including a metal clockwork owl and Pegasus – yeah, for real!

Will the lad get the lass or will he become a statue for the snake chicks garden of stone?? Are there boobies in this move? Well it is the 80’s, lets strap in, snack up and fill our horns with mead and find out…………  

The movie opens with Danae and Perseus being cast into a stormy ocean and Acrisius bad mouthing Zeus for what he is being forced to do. To be fair it is more a coffin than a box and it is pretty roomy in fact its like a small covered boat. Shit upholstery though and no padding. Makes you wonder if he cared at all. We follow from a seagulls eye view over the sea and some hills as the credits roll in and we end up at Mount Olympus – ah the seagull was actually a god in disguise! Sneaky fuckers these gods. Well Acrisius has pisses Zeus off no end and he orders Poseidon to “Release the Kraken!”. It promptly destroys the city of Argos and as Poseidon opens the gates that hold the creature we get to see the first bits of stop motion wizardry from Ray Harryhausen. Argos falls as Zeus crushes a statue of it’s king in his godly hand.

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We cut to the floating coffin as the sun sets. The king of the oceans reports back to Zeus who tells him that the mother and child are safe this leads us into our first cut of boobies!

A montage of young Perseus growing up cut with the gods watching over him follows our tits and arse scene.

Back in Olympus Thetis is making a case for her son Calibos to be spared and for Zeus to show him pity. This fucker has been killing the flying horses leaving only Pegasus alive. The mercy Zeus shows is transforming Calibos into a monster who is condemned to live in the swamps. Shame he was such a dick as he was all set to become a king and marry Andromeda. Thetis is a bit upset over this and decides nobody will marry her if her son can not…… she set her plan in motion to cut Perseus loose of the gods protection and for him to experience real life!! She transports him across the sea to the city of Joppa which happens to be where Andromeda is.

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Perseus awakens in a amphitheatre and he meets Ammon a friendly poet and playwright – ain’t the all? Ammon fills Perseus in on where he is – Joppa – and that the city is under a curse! Perseus tells Ammon his story but the old fella already knows for it is legend and a cracking tale to tell for the last 20 years. Perseus explains he is now on a mission to restore the kingdom of Argos – but I bet the kingdom of Joppa will do.

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Zeus is now kicking off, again, as he has found out what Thetis has done. He demands the gods bestow some flash gear on Persius and we have a little laugh at the lengths Zeus has gone to get his end away.

Out swinging a sword around in the amphitheatre, Perseus sees a glint of light flash from a alcove and heads over to check it out. What he fins is a sword of exquisite craftmanship all shiny and shit. Real bling going on with this blade i’m not gonna lie. The thing looks like a letter opener P Diddy would have on a desk somewhere. Magic Perseus whispers. Ammon inspects the sword and tells Perseus is made from a metal he has never seen which cuts through marble like butter. Glancing around the duo see other gifts consisting of a shield – which has a video message from Zeus warning him to take care of the shield as it will save his life one day and a helmet which makes the person who wears it invisible. Persi…… for fuck skae it’s getting annoying writing this dudes name every handful of words from now on I think just calling him the lad will work. The lad, now invisible except for his footprints in the sand heads off to Joppa – probs to perv on some naked chicks…….

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Making his way through Joppa the lad sees many new sights for the first time this makes him look like the proverbial tourist. One of the city guard notices this and they have a chat. The lad asks what happened and points over to the remains of a poor soul burned at the stake. No not a criminal as you might have suspected but a suiter of the hand of Andromeda who got the riddle wrong – harsh but fair….. I guess. The guard fills him in on the back story of Calibos and the rules of the riddle which changes for each suiter – well they haven’t made this hard have they ffs. Learning that the princess is up in the palace and hasn’t spoken out about the events of the riddle burnings the lad decides he is gonna pull a Zeus and invis himself up into her chambers – the seedy fucker!! Just as he is about to pull a “Bodyguard” in the princesses room a huge fuck off vulture lands a person sized cage on the balcony. Sliding the helmet back on the lad watches the soul/spirt/sleeping aura of the princess leave her bed and get into the cage. Off flys the vulture with the cage in its talons.

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Perseus – I know – confused goes over to the bed and checks out the “sleeping” body of the princess. Confused as fuck he returns to the amphitheatre to fill old man Ammon in on what he saw. The old fella deduces the brid flew off into the swamps which is the local hang out for Calibos these days. Ammon has a plan on how to follow the bird – it’s risky and might not work……… can you guess what it is yet?? Nope not Rolph’s Cartoon Club you sick twats.

No it’s Pegasus!!!

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Off the dudes go to catch them a flying horse! This is the third creature we have seen in all it’s hand animated glory – sorry the vulture was the second – Helmet on the led sneaks out to rope the last of the winged horses. After a brief struggle the young fella manages to mount the horse – they take flight!! After a airborne breaking scene they land and, by the gods, Pegasus is all chill. The lad gathers some water in his helmet for the horse to drink.

The next night Perseus is ready to follow the Vulture as it takes off with the spirit of the sleeping Andromeda. They follow the bird to the lair of Calibos which is far away and deep in the swamps. The vulture watches as Andromeda makes her ways from the cage to stand before the hoven footed beast that is now Calibos who is all kinds of hairy and not just, you know, Greek hairy the dude has it going on thick, he also has a couple of horns sprouting from his head!

He adorns Andi with a necklace of gold and jewels. Andi asks him why she has been summoned to him again. Calibos advises tells her he wants to gaze on her beauty but also to give her a new riddle!! The sly fucker this is how it changes every time. Tears in her eyes Andi begs him to stop but Calibos is having none of it. We get to see the stop motion version of Calibos here on his golden throne. Having a quick feel of Andi he tells her she will remember the new riddle when the next suiter comes a calling. Andi begs him to stop again but he refuses and sends her on her way back to the cage. Andi pulls off the necklace and lets it fall to the ground. The swamp minons of Calibos watch as she leaves.

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Spotting the footprints of a invisible Perseus – sly fucker knows the answer to the riddle now -, Calibos follows the lad into the swamp and attacks while the lad is looking for Pegasus! It’s here that the lad loses his helmet as the hair palmed beast grabs him from behind. The struggle ends when the lad pulls his sword and swings down………

Cut to the queen who is putting her daughter up on the riddle block again. She calls for any man to step forward if he fancies his chances! Our lad Perseus steps up with Ammon at his side. Andi begs him not to throw his life away. The lad isn’t phased and asks to give him the riddle – he only smashes it!! Because he has the answer on the hand of Calibos and it the ring on that hand!!

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Rejoice for the princess is free and there won’t be anymore burnings! Throwing himself on the steps of the statue of his mother Calibos calls for help to punish Perseus! Thetis appears in the face of the statue and tells Calibos she can’t touch the lad as he is protected – she asks if he wants justice or revenge? Ooooooh hard choice there but I think he is gonna go scorched earth with this and cut off his nose to spite his face – not that he can afford to lose anymore body parts lol

Perseus and Andromeda are married the next morning! The ceremony is interrupted by the statue of Thetis breaking apart and the head toppling to the ground! Thetis ain’t too happy the queen has made out that her daughter, Andi, is more beautiful than anything in heaven. Thetis whacks them with a corker here she tells them in 30 days they must sacrifice Andi to the Kraken as repentance for the insult to her beauty and the injury inflicted on Calibos!! Oh and she has to be a virgin – so the lad ain’t becoming a man just yet lol Then the rest of the statue crumbles!!

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Trying to formulate a plan Ammon tells the young lad of the three blind old wise women – The Stygian Witches – might know a way. The captain of the guard advises that these witches are cannibals. They don’t have much time and need to set of a.s.a.p.

Calibos is being a sly fucker and takes Pegasus out of the picture by capturing the noble horse thus fucking up any fast route to the witches. Perseus and his band of men head out with the strong headed Andi leading the way. Calibos watches from the shadows.

Up in the halls of mount Olympus Zeus commands that another gift replace that of the helmet since Perseus is going up against the Kraken he might need the help. What gift will replace a cool helmet that turns you invisible??? I’ll tell you what! A fucking mechanical flying owl that’s what!!!

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Yep we now have the montage of shots while the party travel the many, many miles trying to find the witches. Enter BUBO the mechanical owl! Turns out only the lad can understand the owl and lets the party know they need to follow Bubo as he will lead them to the shrine of the witches.

Spooky shrine is up in the spooky mountains. They stop short and head in on foot. A short climb later and they reach their goal. It is a domed building in a crumbling condition.

The witches know someone is coming and although blind they have a orb that allows them to see but only one at a time can use it. They welcome Perseus but he is a tad uneasy especially after seeing a human hand rise out of the cauldron only to be push back in by on of the hags. Around this – temple/shrine – are the remains of many human skeletons. The guards watch from above and release Bubo how snatches the “eye”. With his bargaining chip in hand the lad gets the hags to tell him how to kill the Kraken. They let slip that the Gorgon Medusa’s head will turn all living creatures to stone – a titan against a titan – also her blood is highly poisonous! Learning where he can find Medusa the lad throws the eye to the floor and escapes while the hags scrabble around looking for it. Later at the camp fire Ammon tells the tale of Medusa.

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Perseus tells Andi that she ain’t going with them to kill the Gorgon. They leave early before she wakes. Tears flowing she stares off after them. Now down to six the band approach the River Styx. Taking a couple of men with him Perseus calls for the ferry to carry them across the river. Out of the mist a boat appears. The barge is being piloted by a hooded skeleton who has to have it’s payment of silver……. they are taken across vanishing into the fog. Arriving at the entrance to a care on the opposite shore the lads head in. They enter into a network of passages. Perseus reminds the lads not to look directly at her or it’s statue time!. Clearing the passages they come across an open air temple. Dotted around are the stone remains of petrified men. Two set of yellow eyes watch them from the dark. Ambush!!!!! The group are attacked by a two headed dog! Perseus drops his sword and it’s stolen by a snake – no I am not making this shit up – the guardsmen are having a tough time with the mutt as their swords seem to be doing nothing against it. Meanwhile the lad it trying to snatch his chopper back off the snake. He makes a lunge and grabs the sword back from… from a tiny arsed snake?? It looked way bigger in the last shot…….. anyway, the lad is off and leaping from stone to stone he is now able to lend his hand in the fight with old two heads the dog. A few short swings later and he is victorious. They head into the temple building……

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Shields up to protect their eyes they enter a huge a torch lit room supported by stone columns and interspersed with more unfortunate souls now turned to stone. Silence. The lad scans the room. We see a shadow play against the wall, a rattling tale and a head writhing with snakes. The unit of three move further in. Whoosh-thud!! Or whatever that sound arrows make – one of the trio is skewered in the back with, well, an arrow! He falls screaming into, I dunno, acid I guess? Either that of sext snake lady has a jacuzzi. Taking cover Persius uses his shield to get his first look at what hunts them.

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Medusa crawls forward she has the upper body of a woman the rest from the waste down is all snake. She carries a bow and quiver of arrows. Snake hair going bonkers she scans around for the remaining two of our party. That shield of Perseus is like bloody 4k resolution the reflection he sees if so sharp!. Medusa draws her bow and fires knocking the other guard out into the open and onto the floor as he recovers he glances back only to meet the stare of Medusa full on. Yep it’s statue time for the poor lad! Her green eyes glows brightly and he turns to stone in a flash! She tries the same trick with our young hero but he is too savvy for her and doesn’t fall for it. Using his shield Perseus dodges around the room taking out torches and even throws one to cause a distraction so he can get in a position so he can set up his shield to trick Medusa into thinking she has shot him. She isn’t falling for it but has now lost track of where Perseus is. Slithering through the dark she draws closer and closer to young demi god Perseus. Closer still until – swish – a blind swing sees her head removed from her shoulders!! Thick blood drains from the body and begins to melt the shield – well he was warned – picking up the head the lad makes his way back to the ferry.

We cut to the camp. It’s night and there is a storm. From a branch hangs the head of Medusa wrapped up in the cloak of Perseus. Bubo watches from a rock as lightning flashes across the sky. While they sleep Calibos creeps into the camp and pokes a hole in the wrappings letting the blood of Medusa leak onto the floor covering a trio of scorpions. The blood makes the scorps grow huge. Awakened by Bubo falling into a puddle the band engage the giant creatures. During the fight Calibos frightens the horses away and kills the captain of the guard. Perseus and Calibos get into it. Calibos with his whip pushes the lad back and almost has his but snatching up his sword Perseus throws it at Calibos. Spinning end over end it finds its make and sticks old hairy palms right in the gut. Exhausted our hero collapses at the bank of a stream. Whats this a disturbance in the water? What new horror is this?? Oh it’s only Bubo FFS dude you scared the crap out of us there for a second! Perseus tasks Bubo with finding Pegasus.

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Horsey, horsey, wing, wings is back in the swamps under the guard of the swamp minions of Calibos. Bubo sees them off with ease. He frees Pegasus.

Cut to more bewbs and ass as Andi is getting all cleaned up to be sacrificed.

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Back at the amphitheatre Perseus collapses to the floor. Why he has gone here instead of Joppa is something of a questionable decision.

Back IN Joppa we see Andi being taken to the spot of sacrifice – since we are just been told its that time – and the whole city is out to watch too!!

Poseidon is back opening the giant underwater cat flap for the Kraken so he can go get his nom noms.

But wait what is this! Up in the sky. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nooooo it’s Perseus!!!! Will he make it in time??

The Kraken is free and raises to the surface all fish faced and hungry. Bubo swoops in to distract the Kraken buying the lad more time. Struggling Andi squirms as the four armed Kraken eyes her up! Just as his clawed hand is about to crush her Perseus glides in brandishing the head of Medusa. The Kraken lashes out knocking both our hero and Pegasus into the ocean! Fear not! Bubo rushes in to retrieve the head of the Gorgon and gets it to Perseus just in time!!! Holding the severed head aloft the young lad turns the monster to stone!!!

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YAY!

Tossing the head into the water not once thinking of the aquatic devestation this will cause of the next few weeks as Medusa, eyes still blazing, creats a massive graveyard of stone fish and sea creatures. Sploooosh! Pegasus bursts from beneath the waves! He survived under water for fucking ages! Who knew they could hold their breath for so long!!

They rejoice!! YAY!! WHOOP WHOOOOOP!!

Zeus and the other gods chat about their future and that of man and Zeus forbids any revenge on Perseus! The young lad and Andi live long lives and happily and have many sons apparently!

Closing the events of this epic off Zeus commands the stars form constellations after our heroes so they will be remembered for eternity!

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Well there we have it! What a ride through some mythology there. This movie has some of my best childhood memories burned into its celluloid. Once again many thanks for coming on this fantasy journey!!

I give this movie a score of 6.0/10

Ok so maybe you guys expected a bit of a higher score? Yeah I wanted to but I have got to score on all aspects of this movie and there is no escaping how dated the effects are now especially on HD screens. Some of the compositing is just outright painful to observe – yes it is a movie from 1981 but FFS if movies like Star Wars and other could pull off great SFX in the 70’s then 80’s movies have no excuse! On the flip side of that the stop motion is amazing! From the god of stop motion Ray Harryhausen himself so it gets bonus points for that. But yeah a lot of ropey SFX in this classic. I also feel the need to take a moment to say this……

Say “Perseus” again! C’mon, say “Perseus” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say “Perseus” one more goddamn time! Now describe to me another way to refer to our hero here!

The Angry Viking

Ok lets check those box office figures. The movie cost between $9 and $15 millon to make and brought home $41 million in North America alone while grossing around $60 million worldwide. Released 12th of June 1981 it was considered one of the biggest movies of that year.

The cast is for the most part really well suited to their roles. Zeus steals the show just for his voice alone. The only person that I feel is a little – read as very – wooden is the young Perseus himself. Jesus it is hard to watch him in some scenes! The editing would have benefitted from some fades of transitional wipes from scene to scene as the hard cuts are ok the fades would have helped transition scenes better when cutting from the heroes and mount Olympus for example. Score wise there is nothing special to write about here. It instrumental and totally forgettable – sorry.

Other than my small SFX issues this movie is a great family movie – yep even with the tits and arse! It’s on of those Sunday afternoon movies to chill with the kind you settle down to watch after a Sunday roast. It’s a comfort movie. What more can I say? Watch it again and be transported back in time to a warmer place in your life. Wrap this movie around you and remember what fun it was when you first saw it.

“By the nipples of Freyja this movie deserves a cup of mead to honour it! Now get it in your eyes mortals!”

What a movie. As long as you have been entertained reading this then I’m doing what I set out to do! Thanks again guys. As usual the links for those popular sites are below. Until next time may Huginn and Muninn keep watch on you and yours! Like and share if you can I do apricate it guys as it keeps the Valkyries tits deep in mead!!

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/clash_of_the_titans/

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082186/

THE WARRIORS

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One of the many movie poster this movie has seen!
The 1979 Trailer

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle or a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

SYNOPSIS

Ok guys the plot on this one is right out of a side scrolling beat-em up. It’s about a gang called The Warriors who have to get from one side of New York to the other and it’s no small journey either as they have to trek over 30 miles from the north end of the Bronx to Coney Island in south Brooklyn! Why I hear you ask. Well, the Warriors got the call to attend a meeting of gangs from all over New York from the enigmatic Cyrus. Framed for his murder and with all the gangs in the city on the hunt for them, the gang go on the run in a desperate attempt to make it home. Will they make it? Stay tuned boppers and follow The Warriors as they try……

As there are 9 main members of the warriors I thought I would put them here as sort of a mini cast roll. I’ll mention everyone else as we bop our way through the movie!

THE WARRIORS Michael Beck as Swan, James Remar as Ajax, Cleon played by Dorsey Wright, Brian Taylor who plays Snow, David Harris as Cochise, Tom McKitterick playing Cowboy, Marcelino Sanchez as Rembrandt, Terry Michos as Vermin, Fox played by Thomas G. Waites and playing the character of Mercy is Deborah Van Valkenburgh.

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The Warriors (Before they set out)

The movie opens with a bit of a animated intro of a tale of a unit of Greek soldiers doing a forced march after this we get some text – some time in the future. Our first introduction to The Warriors is Cleon confirming the meeting is still on and they (The Warriors) need to check out this Cyrus cat themselves. A syth/rock track plays over the opening credits and we get a look at the other gangs heading out to the meeting through a montage of cuts all interspersed with The Warriors journey via train. The journey is a long one and it gives us time to be introduced to more of the gang and their concerns about the meeting along with some small character building. We track over the map on the train as it follows the gang from stop to stop. The montage ends with some of the gang giving their thoughts on who Cyrus is and ending with Ajax saying “I bet there is gonna be no one there!”

Arriving at the meeting spot the Warriors make their way through the crowds and survey the situation. As the camera pans we see a ringed off area around a wooden climbing frame surrounded by purple shirt wearing gang members. As the camera cuts we see hundreds of gang members from all over the city.

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Arriving at the meeting

A long hair man shouts out from within the fenced off area “Can you count suckers?” this is our introduction to Cyrus, played by Roger Hill, and what a introduction it is! Deep of voice and charismatic the dude could be a young James Earl Jones!! He climbs up the wooden frame pointing out gangs and how “Nobody is wasting nobody” he goes on to give numbers saying 9 delegates from 100 gangs with over 100 more gangs that makes 20k hard core affiliates with others not organised and the rest which making up to 60 thousand soldiers and with only 20 thousand police in the city! – some hardcore fucking numbers there mate I see what your trying to do. Leaving dead air for a beat Cyrus utters his immortal line……. “Can yoooou diiiiiig iiiiiiit!” The gathered gangs go fucking mental shouting and cheering him on! Cyrus elaborates a little more – the suave looking mother fucker that he is – he tells the gathered mass that one gang could rule the city and they would have total control as they have the streets!!!

Well can you? Sucker!

Oh fuck here comes the fuzz!! Cheering and getting swept up in his rhetoric the gangs start to feel his plan! Cheering louder they all seems to be up for it and as the police close in we see a gun being passed hand to hand through the crowd – holy fuck balls this is supposed to be a weapon free meeting – the gun ends up in the hands of Luther played by David Patrick Kelly. Aiming down the barrel Luther shoots and kills Cyrus turning he sees Rembrandt clocked him shoot Cyrus and he aims the gun again but as he is about to waste the young Warrior the cops spring their ambush and hit spot lights and sirens!! The gangs scatter and in the chaos The Warriors get separated. Cleon is near Cyrus when Luther shouts out and points towards Snow shouting that The Warriors killed Cyrus! Luther charges Snow and they tumble to the ground. Hearing who pulled the trigger the Riffs attack Cleon who defends himself with some solid Karate – it is actually very well done – but the weight of numbers is too much and Cleon is dragged down into some weird circle of elbows?!?

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A behind the scenes shot of the cops raid

Finding each other the Warrior break through a fence and make their escape as the cops and gangs clash. Resting in a grave yard and soaked in sweat – and I mean SOAKED! Even the leather is wet!! No these guys must perspire like fucking lawn sprinklers or someone fucked up with this effect lol – Swan asks if anyone saw Cleon – nobody knows. Now worried that the truce is no longer in effect the gang try to work out what to do as they might have to fight their way home. Rembrandt is sent to scout the area to make sure they are safe for the moment. Ajax confronts Sawn about the gangs leadership and it gets real tense for a minute the tension is broken by Rembrandt calling over to say he has found the train. They head off in the direction of the tracks. Rembrandt is tasked to mark a gravestone with a big red W.

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Taking in the cemetery ambiance

We cut to a huge basement filed with The Riffs as their stand in leader asks if anyone know who the Warriors are. No response. He puts out notice that The Warriors are fair game and he wants them alive if possible or wasted – he doesn’t care!

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Riffs!

The next scene is one of my favourites due to the simplicity of it and the way it conveys how the word on the warriors is put out across all the gangs. Its just the close up of a woman’s mouth and a mic as she – in a most sexy voice – puts out a “hit” with The Warriors in mind and puts on the track Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide! This plays over another montage of gangs getting the message and hitting the streets to hunt down the Warriors.

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Radio Lady – “Lips”

Lightning splits the sky as the rain comes down drenching our gang as they make it to spitting distance of the steps to the train platform. Waiting in the shadows for the train to arrive a bus approaches, seeing it is a gang called the Turnbull AC’s the guys conclude the truce is, n fact, over. As the train arrive s the bus with the Turnbulls turns around just in time to see The Warriors making a break for the platform steps and safety! Ajax turns to give the finger as the bus slams on the anchors. Sprinting up to the platform and into the train the lads are safe. The train pulls away. The Warriors high on adrenaline and patting themselves on the back revel in their escape!

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Turnbull A.C’s

The Riffs are told the Turnbulls blew it and the next thing we know is the train carring the Warriors has to stop due to a fire at the next station…….

Cut to Luther and his gang. The gang are harassing some poor shop keeper as Luther calls in to report what had happened and Cyrus is dead. One of Luther’s gang is worried that the Warriors will tell the Riffs the truth about who shot Cyrus so they head out to find them too.

Slogging it on foot The Warrors are making their way through the streets when they notice they are being watched from the roof tops – it’s The Orphens – the gang are gonna risk going through this no name gangs turf. Coming face to face with a small group of Orphens, Swan decides diplomacy is the best option. Displaying some U.N level skills they negotiate passage through the Orphan turf. Enter Mercy trying to cause shome shit between the two gangs, she wants a vest from one of the Warriors, showing up the Orphen leader and pressuring him into demanding The Warriors go as civilians through their Turf. Having non of this Swan tell them to fuck off and bold as baboon balls the strut down the road showing the Orphens that they aint shit. Mercy follows at a distance.

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The Orphans

Losing sight of them Mercy gets grabbed from behind by Ajax – the guys knew she was following. Mercy wants to join up with them after seeing Swan’s display of strength. The Orphens come running around the corner and as it is about to kick off the Warriors hurl a petrol bomb. Using the explosion as a distraction they escape! Back on the train they seem to accept Mercy into the ranks.

The Riffs get news the Orphans got wasted and the Warriors are still bopping it home.

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Riff leader

Lips – that’s what im calling her – is back on the radio filling the rest of the gangs in on current events.

Luther is hyped the Warriors are fighting their way through and rushes back to the car so they can continue their own hunt.

Back with our gang and we see them in the, now, empty train waiting at the platform for the train they need to switch to. Footsteps begin to echo through the empty station – who the fuck is it now??? The tension builds slowly when all of a sudden a cop appears in outside the train window!! Fuck sake but these lads can’t catch a break can they? Bailing from the train they make a break for it with Ajax booting on copper down the stairs. Once again split up most of the gang make it out but Mercy and Fox are caught on a platform as Fox is tackled by a cop he yells at Mercy to run for it which she does. Fox and the cop are rolling about on the floor when the copper gets a bit of leverage and throws Fox onto the tracks just as a train hurtles through – and just like that Vermin is squished!

Some of the guys – Cochise, Vermin and Rembrandt – make it onto a waiting train just as the doors close. Outside Swan, Ajax, Cowboy and Snow wait. Noticing something amiss Swan looks around, the gang are surrounded by The Baseball Furies! Now these dudes are what makes The Warriors is such an entertaining movie because these guys are all painted up in full baseball gear and swinging bats – they look like fucking clowns to honest but if you ran into some motherfuckers looking like they do I imagine you would run! I wouldn’t because today might be a good day to die!!!

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A Baseball Fury

Anyway the foursome make a break for it again – everyone must have amazing cardio in this movie universe – the Furies give chase! Absolutely pegging it through the streets again Ajax asks if they lost the clowns and they haven’t as still coming down the road like fucked up Terminators are The Baseball Furies. Let rip the 70’s rock track as the gangs run into a park. Splitting up Swan and Snow go one way while Ajax and Cowboy go the other. Circling behind the perusing Furies Swan and Snow get the drop on one of them, taking him out and grabbing his bat they run on. Cut to Ajax and Cowboy who decide they are gonna stand and fight. Cowboy goes down leaving Ajax to square off against his attacker. Ajax fucks him up with a sweet combo just as Swan and Snow arrive to even the odds! After a good rumble – it is a well cut and kinetic fight scene – the Warriors victorious again arm up with bats and head out!

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Ajax about to fuck em all up!

Lips is back on the air waves letting everyone know the Furies have also failed!

Cut to Union Square station we see the rest of the gang – Cochise, Rembrandt and Vermin – get off the train. This is the meeting place and it looks like they are the first to get there, but wait what is this? A group of young ladies are stood around the bottom of the stairs and are showing interest in our gang. The guys go over……

Back with Swan, Ajax, Snow and Cowboy as they continue to walk through the park. They walk past a woman sat alone on a bench. Ajax wants to have a chat with her but Swan wants to crack on to the station to hook up with the rest of the guys. Ajax sit next to the woman on the bench and they start flirting. Snow and Cowboy want to go back and look out for Ajax while Swan carries on to the station. Getting a bit heavy handed and carried away with the woman. She struggles away and in the process handcuffs Ajax to the bench! What the fuck?? She starts blowing a whistle!!! Honey Trap 101. Kicking off Ajax starts to panic. The cops arrive and put a beat down on Ajax. Bloodied he looks up at the cop and calls him a wimp! Defiant to the last!!! Cowboy and Snow witness this from afar.

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Ajax final brought down

Outside 96st Station Swan, bat in hand, is looking for any sign of the other Warriors when he bumps into Mercy who tell him that the cops got Fox. Mercy offers to help the guys get to Union Square by showing Swan where to garb the train. On the platform they get spotted by a cop and escape into the train tunnels. We now transition back to Cochise and co as they stop outside a pizza shop. He asks the chicks where all the dudes are. They assure him they are well out of the picture for the night. The girls want to party and take the guys into their “place” which has loads more young girls. Vermin asks what the name of their clique is. Turns out they are called The Lizzies. Vermin and Cochise begin to get off with some of the ladies. Rembrandt is the only one who is worried about getting back to the rest of the gang…….

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The Lizzies

In the tunnels Swan and Mercy trudge on talking they begin to bond a little. Swan tells Mercy he doesn’t like the way she lives. Mercy tells him she is pretty much living in the moment and doesn’t want to end up like some of those she sees on the streets – they kiss as a train rumbles by. Swan as a bit of regret at this and regains focus on the mission at hand.

Back at The Lizzie’s gang hangout the party is still going but Rembrandt is becoming suspicious of the girls and with good cause too because as the music plays the Lizzies spring their trap pulling guns and knives. Telling the guys that they know who The Warriors are “your the guys that killed Cyrus” one of they says just as it all kicks off!!Busting out in a hail of gun fire the dudes escape. Taking a moment they patch up Rembrandt’s hand which got cut. Rembrandt tells the other two what he heard and that every gang is going to be looking for them. A fire now lit under their collective arses they head off to Union Station again!

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Oh shit, son!!!

Alone Swan walks through the seeming deserted train station – are all New York stations this quiet all the time? – As Swan walks out of shot a roller skating dude rolls around the corner – now i wouldn’t think anything of this but for the fact the station is void of any other living soul and that some ominous music has just keyed up – coming to a temporary stop our skater glares after Swan then begins to follow him.

Back at Unions Street Station Rembrandt and co hook back up with Snow and Cowboy who share what happened to Ajax. They set off to look for Swan.

Mercy finds Swan and lets him know the guys with skates are after Swan. Annoyed at Mercy Swan tells her he know he was being followed and now they know he knows. Mercy wants to know what he is going to do as the other Warriors descend the station steps. Waving them off towards the toilets Swan and Mercy follow the rest of the gang into the mens room. Our skater friend and his mates, who are fully tooled up by the way, enter and start checking stalls with knives and bats at the ready. The tension mounts and then gives way to a bathroom brawl as the Warriors burst out of the stalls and begin to fuck up these dungaree wearing nonces! The fight flows back and forth with each gang giving as good as they get but ultimately The Warriors are victorious once more.

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The Punks

Back at Riff HQ a report comes in that the Warriors have dropped off the grid and nobody has seen them. The leader is told there is someone he needs to hear as this guy saw who shot Cyrus!!!! Are the Warriors saved or fucked? Who is this witness???

Safe on the train the remaining Warriors think on the words of Cyrus. Rembrandt and Cowboy catch some sleep. Two young couples get on the train laughing and talking. They sit opposite Swan and Mercy who stare at the couples with impassive faces causing the couples to stop there fun. The couples look over the state of Swan and Mercy seeing the dirt and blood – this scene really cements both sides of the tracks and is a really powerful shot!

That “class” train scene

Stepping off at Coney Island the gang have made it back! Swan and Mercy have a moment. Swan contemplates leaving the life behind. As the gang walk a car follows them, slow and menacing. It’s Luther the greasy little fuck stain! The Warriors head under the pier losing Luther. making some improvised weapons they prepare to make their stand!!

The car pulls to a stop and we get treated to the other iconic scene from this movie and that is Luther tapping 3 bottles on his finger together making a very distinctive sound, he beings to call out ” Waaaaarriors come out to plaaaaaaay” over and over to the temp of the bottles – creepy as fuck –

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Luther!! Warriors come out to play!!!!

Swan makes sure everyone is packing. He tells the gang he is gonna take Luther out to the sand. The gang make their way down to the beach. Luther and his gang take the bait and head in on foot. Both gangs square off and prepare to ruck! Swan asks Luther why he killed Cyrus to which Luther says “No reason, I just like doing stuff like that” and starts laughing. Swan wants to go one on one with Luther. Having non of this Luther pulls a gun and tells them they are all dead but no, not on his watch, Swan side steps and shoots his knife right into the forearm of Luther making him miss the shot. With a coolness not seen again with John Wick, Swan walks over to the whimpering Luther and retrieves his knife and in doing so cleans in on a tuft of Luthers hair!! Bad ass to the balls!!

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Matrix knife!

No nobody has noticed the army of Riffs and I mean an army turn up at the beach. Swan asks if they are still looking for the Warriors but they are not the Riffs tell Swan the Warriors are good. They know it was Luther. Letting the Warriors go they close ranks and circle Luther and his boys – a scream of no leaves Luthers mouth.

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Riffs on the beach!

Cut to Lips who apologises to the Warriors in her own sexy way.

We get a beach montage of the gang as upbeat music plays. Mercy and Swan gaze into each others eyes, Mercy smiles and we cut to the rest of the gang frolicking along the beach. Who knows what their future holds!!!

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What does the future hold………

And that’s a wrap on this one guys! Thanks for coming on the journey on this one!

I give this movie a score of 9/10

Well where do we start? Lets take a look at some figures first. The Warriors opened on Feb 9th 1979 – I would have been just shy of 3 years old at the time – and pulled in $3.5 million in it’s opening weekend all without a full on promotional campaign. During it’s first couple of weeks the movie was linked to several instances of violence causing the advertisements for the movie to be pulled off the air totally. After a couple of weeks incident free and estimated to bring in a further $4 to $7 million the movie carried on bringing in the public and by it’s 6th week had grossed $16.4 million. Yeah the movie got shit on by the critics with one critic calling the movie …..

“an inciteful, stylized and shallow portrayal of gang warfare that panders to angry youthful audiences.”

Linda Gross of the Los Angeles Times

But this didn’t stop the films success and even gained President Ronald Reagans seal of approval. Over the years the movie has gained cult status and generated many discussions about remakes and even a TV series proposed by the Russo Brothers back in 2016 – Hey Joe, Anthony make this happen will ya!!!! So strong was the cult status of the movie is has since spawned a range of action figures and 2 video games – a side note to this is that Roger Hill who played Cyrus sued Rockstar Games and Take-Two Interactive for use of his likeness. Hill died in 2014 and the outcome of the case is unknown!

I’ve loved this movie ever since I caught it late night on Film 4 – Thor’s balls I love channel 4 and all they did with screening movies like this – It drew me in with it’s design. The costumes are crazy going from The Warriors brown leather biker vests sporting they gang logo on the back to gangs like The Baseball Furies and their get up! Even down to the individuals because each gangs theme is uniform across all members it would be hard or confusing to tell them apart, like for example the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who in the original comic run can only be told apart from their weapons. In The Warriors so you can distinguish between them not only do they have classic character types they also have visual differences so the less vocal members can be identified. Examples of this would be Rembrandts scarf, the feathers and adornments in the hair of Cochise and Cowboys hat.

The characters are great from the off. Cyrus is charismatic and engaging a true showman. The villain of Luther is suitably crazy and you can see it in his eyes every time he speaks and he is the total opposite to Swan who is emotionless and stoic for the majority of the movie. Ajax though has to be my favourite character and the one who embodies the most rage and anger – he is the Raph of the group – right up to the point he is caught by the cops he is still giving it the big FUCK YOU!

The music gives the movie a great pace and urgency when needed and a more sinister brooding tension at other times. All of the music barring a couple of tracks is instrumental and when it isn’t that contrast works really well to highlight key moments in the movie.

Some of the social themes the movie touches on are really well do with props going, again, to the scene on the train towards the end between Mercy, Swan and the four young “well off” kids with that scene ending with a corsage being dropped in the train and Swan giving it to Mercy with the words “I don’t like seeing things go to waste.”. This is Swan telling Mercy she is better than she thinks she is and he finally accepting her.

Some down low deep shit if you look for it – subtle!!

I can’t leave this movie without giving the NIPPLES of The Warriors a special shout out! I’m pretty sure there is a nipple of some sort in almost every scene in this movie – now that is a feat of cinematography if ever I saw one!!!

A fucking cracker of a movie this one and it will no doubt stand the test of time……..

“The halls of Valhalla await this one!! Skol!! Now get it in your eyes! “

What a movie. I’m pretty sure there are a ton of mistakes in this but by Odin’s left ball bag I couldn’t care less as long as you have been entertained! Thanks again guys. As usual the links for those popular sites are below. Until next time may Huginn and Muninn keep watch on you and bring Odin to your aid if you find trouble! Like and share if you can I do apricate it guys as it keeps the Valkyries tits deep in mead!!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080120/fullcredits?ref_=tt_ql_1

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1023205_warriors

Time Bandits

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The original 1981 trailer!!
And that give absolutely nowt away! Bloody Pythons and their “comedy” lol

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle or a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

SYNOPSIS

Time Bandits is a journey through time and space. It follows a young lad called Kevin played by Craig Warnock and a gang of bandits consisting of these colourful characters – Randall played by David Rappaport, Fidget played by Kenny Baker, Malcolm Dixon as Strutter, Mike Edmonds as Og, Jack Purvis as Wally and Tiny Ross as Vermin – as they try to pilfer their way through the universe using a map that can be used to access anywhere you can imagine and at any time!! The boys are constantly pursued by The Supreme Being played by Ralph Richardson who desperately wants his map back and manipulated by The Evil One given life by David Warner who wants to use the map to rule the universe. Now this cinematic gem was spawned from the mind of Terry Gilliam of Monty Python fame so you know this will be all kinds of fucked up with a smattering of comedy. The cast as you might imagine contains a few of the Pythons and includes the likes of Ian Holm, Michael Palin, John Cleese and Scottish man god Sean Connery! Yes that Sean Connery!! Will they survive? Will they get their riches?? Is Kevin a homicidal serial killer??? Lets dive into it!!

The movie opens with some amazing 80s synth as we zoom in on a planet earth and a small estate. Into a families living room mum and dad are sat on plastic wrapped sofas while discussing a new advert for some fucking space age kitchen that cooks and cleans and is fully automated – sounds dangerous if you ask me, I mean has anyone watched Maximum Overdrive? Yes? No? Just saying is all. Their son, Kevin is, perched on a stool tells his dad a fun fact about how ancient Greeks got trained in 44 different ways to kill a man with 24 of those on how to kill a man bare hands!! – what the fuck? Kevin! What the actual fuck dude? Why are they letting this kid read this stuff?? An alarm sounds indicating that its the boys bed time. Off he goes the homicidal little fucker, no doubt to dream about snapping blokes necks. In the background game show comes on the TV called Your Money or your Life!! Where the hell are we? What messed up universe is this I hear you wail!! Well strap in because shit is about to go, batshit crazy!!

In bed and still reading Kev is told to turn his light off and he drifts off to sleep. At some ungodly time of the nigh Kevin is awoken by strange noises. Seeing his wardrobe door rattle he sits up a little when – SMASH- a fully armoured knight bursts into his room from out of nowhere!! Cowering under his covers big man Kev waits and then just as quick as it appeared the knight rides off into a forest and – POOF – vanished! Checking his wall the boy finds nothing wrong but does recognise the Knight in a picture he has on said wall – how very odd dear readers, how very odd indeed……

Bedtime Kevin

The next day Kevin’s folks are talking about some appliance disaster someone has had that they know. Kev tell mum and dad he wants to go to bed early tonight. They tell him no because he has to wait for his food to go down – I do remember similar things being said when I was a nipper and you know you can’t make this shit up! Back to the movie -Your money or your life is playing on TV again. Kev dressed like he is off out to burgle your nans house and get your cat pregnant stuffs a torch up his jacket and heads up to bed…. finally.

Sat in the dark Polaroid camera at the ready he waits…….

Out of the blue one of his toys starts beeping. Flashing the light over his the bedroom floor we see scattered Knights and army men along with a chess board, lego and robots.

Yawning the lightweight starts to drift off. The wardrobe starts to rattle again and this time a bunch of oddly dressed “little people” emerge. They look like strippers that have escaped Tina Turners Thunderdome strip club – seriously it’s a genuine look!. Startled awake Kev hits them with the blinding light of his torch. Spooked they scatter believing they had been caught by “HIM” realising it’s just a kid the jump on Kev and try to get him to tell them where the “exit” is. Puzzled Kev tells them he doesn’t know. Shoving Kev against the wall it starts to slide inwards just as a disembodied head appears and begins floating towards them chasing the group and telling them to return the map as it will bring them great danger. The wall vanishes and the group falls into the blackness of the abyss.

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The Lads

A back square slides open in the blue sky and our rag tag band of thieves fall through it landing in a barn. The mini blaggers tell Kev the head was the Supreme Being and that he is probably still after them. Kev weighs up his options and makes a run for it – right into the fucking French army – it’s the half pint general Napoleon and he is sacking Castiglione. Catching up with Kevin and sensing an opportunity the little bandits scan the map and deduce they need to get into the castle. Using the river they make their way inside while carnage reigns all around. Curious Kev wants to know whats going on – “We are here to do a robbery” – he is told. We cut to big boy Napoleon watching a Punch and Judy show and he laughing his tits off!! Trying to surrender, the mayor of Castiglione is pied off by the tiny French general.

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Napoleon

Our team of robbers file onto the stage and start preforming a song and dance routine to Me and My Shadow but this ends up with them arguing and fighting with each other. Pissing himself laughing Nappo loves idea of little things hitting each other. So amused is he that Napoleon goes backstage invites them to become new generals of his army much to the disappointment of his current generals. Surrounded by works of art and jewels the NEW generals wait for Napoloen to pass out drunk.

Once the piss head is out the robbing fucks spring into action and as the “time hole” will disappear at midnight and they are now on the clock and pressed for time! Stripping Napoloen of is valuables including a solid gold right hand – is this why he kept it tucked away? Thoughts? The gang make their escape with the whole rooms worth of loot bundled up in the table cloth. Outside and rumbled they make a run for the time hole and vanish leaving the pursuing guards in a pile.

We jump to what appears to be medieval times and a couple in a carriage are discussing their love for each other among other things – this becomes a running joke through out the movie. About to kiss they are dropped in on by our gang of thieves. The carriage now upturned the two nobles make a run for it. Randell tells the guys they are 500 years before the man they just robbed is born. Letting slip that was the first time they have done a raid. Kev is a bit shocked but accepts the offer of a place in the gang! Randell tells Kev they used to work for the Supreme Being and helped him make the universe after which they got the sack and so, as fucked off redundant worker would, they decided to fuck over their employer and steal his map which allows them to travel anywhere in time and space – the universe being made in only 7 days has holes you see which the gang worked out they could use to go anywhere they wanted and loot the sweet blue balled jesus out of any place they went. – serves the twat right if you ask me.

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The star crossed lovers

The gang hear cries for help and it looks like the escaping nobles are getting robbed and have been tied to a tree – running past the couple the lads fall into a trap and end up upside down dangling from a tree. After a bit of banter which consists of Randell making pirate noises and confirming he would steal candy from babies and slap nuns around – maybe not that last one – he gets the robbers to let them down. Randell tells them he wants to meet their boss. Now all these robbers look as rough as badgers arseholes by they way. They look so scrutty I wouldn’t think a rat would piss on them. Awaiting the Leader of the robbers the gang can only imagine what horror will appear before them – in saunters Robin Hood clean in a crisp green outfit and speaking very good “posh” English. This is classic comedy 101! And the contrast works very well here!!! Taking their loot as a donation Robin hands out our gangs ill gotten gains to the poor with each peasant getting some gold and a punch in the face off one of Robin’s crew. Fucked off our boys bail.

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Robin Hood

Lightning splits the sky and our lads are caught in a down pour! Arguing again the boys start fighting! Que the ominous music as a clawed hand splashes a cauldron of water! Who is this badly manicured fiend? The cauldron/vat is being use to spy on our luckless tit heads as the fumble about in the mud! Now we get our first look at the main villain of the piece “The Evil One” showing his power he makes a questioning minion explode with a wave of his hand while others stand around the pipes and dials of what looks like some fucking bizarre off shoot of Freddy Krugers dining room. The Evil One give a speech of how evil was around long before good and that nobody “created” him  – another dumb minion pipes up asking how, if he is all powerful, why has he not managed to escape the fortress? BOOOM and this quizzical lacky is blown to rags! Evil wants the map. He bangs on about nipples for men and slugs are what the Supreme being created and how he should have started with technology – ahhhh can we see this linking with the start of the movie and all that evil tech? Evil wants technology to reign!! Seeing the map he hatches a plan to get his gnarly hands on it.

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EVIL

Taking control over the mind of one of the gang while they argue, Evil uses the witless fool to suggest the boys chase one ultimate prize! Kev jumps in and has a go at them asking why they have to go after money all the time, this breaks the Evils ones connection putting big Kev on the bad guys radar!

Oh for the love of all sticky floored nightclubs around the world what is this fresh hell? It looks like some pillock has gone mental with a nightclubs smoke machine! No wait! It’s the floating head again – our boys have been rumbled – again!!! Is there no escape?

Two time holes appear causing Kev to pause. Panicked he asks Randell which to go through. Shitting bricks Randell tells Kev to just get away – Kev jumps through the closest hole just as Rando shouts “Not that one!” nice timing there, Randell you utter nonce!

BOOM! a club hits a shield and we are drawn into a fight between a Greek Warroir and a giant dude with a bulls head mask – Kev will no doubt be hiding a stiffy as this is his wet dream the little psycho!!! – getting knocked to the floor it looks like the end for our Greek but not today because out of thin air Kev falls from the sky distracting the bull dude long enough to give our Greek the opening he needs to slay the fucker. Thanking Kev the Greek removes his helmet and it’s only fucking James Bond Sean Connery!!! He invites Kev back to his palace to share in the victory. Kev tells him sorry he can not as he needs to wait for his friends. Leaving him water the Greek bids Kev good luck and starts to ride off. Weighing up his situation Kev decides he is going to bin off his new friends and runs after Mr Connery!

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Greek Bond

Our Greek Warrior receives a heroes welcome as he makes his way through the streets. Kev shares the adulations with his crush King Agamemnon! Over the rest of the day Kev and the King do some bonding over a simple magic trick. Later while taking picture of the locals – and not getting pestered to buy stuff off them, I know, right? – Kev tells the King he never wants to go back. Agamemnon asks Kev if he would miss his friends or family to which Kevin replies with a solid no. Waking from a sleep Kev is apparently kidnapped and led blindfolded through the streets and gets placed on a horse. Riding it into a crowed room Kev is led before the king who takes him to be his own son and next in line for the throne. A huge roasted cow is brought in to start the feast. Masked and costumed dancers enter much to the amazement of Kev it turns out to be the rest of the gang. They have come for Kev but he doesn’t want to go because he feels he has found the father figure he never had. Dragged on stage and into a covered time hole the guys disappear leaving the king to wonder where his new son has gone.

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Kev and Connery bond…..

A fog horn blasts! We are on a ship and the couple from the carriage are here again professing their love! Our gang drops in on them yet again ruining another moment in time for the lovers. Not only do they rob you they also put out a solid cock block!!! Lapping up the luxury the lads are enjoying the extravagance. Randell trys to cheer Kevin up but Kev has a go at him about how they are not using it – the map – for anything good and that is just wasting it’s potential . Randell isn’t listening as he tells Kev that on the map is a place called The Time of Legends and in that place is the Tower of Darkness which houses the most wonderful object in the universe – I know what your thinking – TOWER OF DARKNESS – if that isn’t a red flag I dunno what is! Telling the waiter to get more champers Randell is all smug. As the watier moves off we see the name of the ship they are on and it’s the Titanic – these boys couldn’t get a break its they fell from a fucking tree!! Randell shouts after the waiter to bring plenty of ice – It’s the small things in this move – yes you twats the pun was intended! Lol

The ship sinks – didn’t see that coming – still arguing and now floating in the ocean the guys abandon their plank to see if they can hit a time hole. Evil is watching them flounder around and he begins to swirl his hand in the cauldron causing a whirlpool to suck the gang down using his powers to bring them into The Time of Legends!

Splashing down in a new body of water the lads spy a ship floating through the mist. On the ship is an ogre and his wife. Jesus this ogre is ugly. So ugly in fact that I’m going to refer to him as Rachel for the rest of this review for no reason what so ever………

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Rachel and his wife – confusing I know.

Rachel’s wife greets him with a chirpy good morning as she grinds away at some kind of potion. Oh yeah, she is surrounded by severed feet hanging from the rafters too. Seems Racheal, the snaggle toothed, horned beast is having back problem, he blames them on getting old! Up and out of his pit he heads out to do some fishing. All the while he is non stop moaning like an old man. Casting the fishing net he catches our luckless thieves and drags them on to the deck! Excited he calls his wife. She tells Rach to scare the guys!

Getting a reaction from the terrified heroes he gets carried away with himself jumping about the place roaring Rachel throws his back out. Kev tells him he knows a cure for bad backs. He tells him he needs a good stretching! Grabbing  his arms and legs the lads stretch the foul ogre out and with one last pull they throw him over the side into the sea. Sensing something amiss the wife comes up on deck only to end up in the water too. Chuffed he can cough again the ogre lets rip filling the sails with his stinking breath and the ship speeds away.

The new crew are trying to get a feeling of where they are. Suddenly the ship starts rocking and creaking violently! On deck the guys realise something is very wrong…….

Cutting the water like a leviathan sized Brit on holiday in Spain a bald head rises menacingly from the ocean revealing a body covered in tattoos. It’s a giant! and the boat is his new hat!! The gang run and hide below decks. Again like the proverbial Brit the giant gives zero fucks about the locals and crushes a house with one massive foot!!

As this giant yob strides across the land the gang pull up planks and try to attack the giants bare dome from the top with hammers and their fists. Failing at using brute force they decide to use a concoction of drugs – yeah this was Kevs idea, told you he was shady – and inject them into the top of the big fellas head. Feeling the effects of this wicked mix the giant sits down and putting his new hat to one side he falls asleep. The lads escape but is this a good thing? Lets see shall we!

THE GIANT!!!

Walking for what seems like an age the gang trek across a barren desert with the only features in sight being the bones of dead animals. Randell assures the guys they are almost there just as they walk into a invisible barrier with the fortress of ultimate darkness laying in wait for them on the other side – according to the map. Unconvinced the start arguing – AGAIN – this descends into Randell threatening to smash a human skull of the head of one of the crew. Throwing the skull it hits and shatters the barrier revealing the fortress in all its towering glory!

The Evil One gets ready to spring his trap as the gang enter the gates of this huge tower.

The lights go out and the gameshow host from the tv – you remember him, yeah – appears congratulating them on winning the ultimate prize. Patting themselves on the back the lads run towards their goal. As the camera zooms out we see they are running along the top of a massive maze!

Not sensing the trap they run on as Kev does his best – he really doesn’t – to stop them but fails. Kev’s mum and dad appear as the hosts assistants. Now shit is getting a bit surreal but if your only thinking this now then the end of the movie will be your WTF moment, trust me. Finally reaching the steps the host asks for the map and as it gets handed over the host transforms into the Evil one – oh shock, oh horror. A cage drops on the boys and they are trapped. Laughing the Evil fella chuckles and tells them how he has the map he will begin his rule tomorrow! Why is it always tomorrow with these guys? I never got that. You would think yeah I’m gonna cause some fuckery now!!

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The Host and Kev’s folks

Lamenting their failure Kev flicks through his prevy polaroid photos when he comes across a picture of the gang with the map. Using the photo to analyse the map they realise they can escape because there is a time hole below them that can lead anywhere. Breaking out and climbing to the top of the cage the lads cuts strands from the rope holding the cage up and created their own rope which they use to lower one of their team out into the bottomless abyss so they can swing him to the next cage. Wally and Strutter make it to solid ground. Now with a anchor point they use the rope as a zip line to safety.

Kev wants to go after the map to stop Evil from destroying the world. Using his dead soulless voice Kev talks the gang into helping him. Meanwhile Evil is banging on about how he is going to change things – all the dudes stuff is covered in plastic maybe for the easy wipe nature of the covering??. Evil turns one of his minions into a dog to guard the map, oh ok I see what he did there. Sneaking into the “throne room” the little thieves use a leg bone to distract the dog and get back the map. Discovering the gang Evil turns one of the guys into a pig headed beast – again I will refer to this beast as Rachel for no reason what so ever…….. – and sends his skeletal gurads after the thieves. Running around in circles the lads finally throw off their pursers. Kev tells the guys to go down the time hole to get help while he and Rachel stay and give Evil the run around. Running into a huge open room the duo are confronted by Evil – the room is made up of things you might remember seeing on Kevs bedroom floor – trapped again!

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Kev and Rachel

Evil tries to decide what he is going to do with them! Kev threatens to burn the map if Evil doesn’t call off his lackies. Evil complies by dusting them all!! What a floppy cock he is!! He gets back the map and is about to waste our young serial killer when the lads get back with reinforcements and what an army it is with cowboys, knights, spaceships, tanks basically all of the toys from Kevs room. Making short work of this “toy” army using various inventive attacks – trust me they are fucking bizarre see below if you don’t believe me!

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Multi Kill!

Evil looks to be on the verge of winning when a enormous fire ball engulfs the screen turning Evil to stone!! And who is this saviour????? It’s The Supreme Being!! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!! He starts making things right by turning Rachel back into a human and resurrecting the dead.

The Supreme Being lets the guys know that the map being stolen was all part of his plan to “test his handywork” that handywork being Evil! MIND FUCK!!! He takes back the map and tells they guys he wants every bit of Evil putting in a post box. Kev questions why we have to have Evil and the Supreme Being tells him it has something to do with free will. A chunk of Evil falls away out of sight – nightmare!!

Getting the boys back to work The Supreme Being leaves Kev behind. A yellow mist consumes Kev. Waking in his bed room full of smoke and sirens blaring Kev is confused – well no shit – firefighters break through the door. Outside Kev’s mum is trying to get back in to rescue some of their appliances. Asking if he is ok one of the firefighters is the man, the legend Sean Connery, Kev looks on in wonder and fishing around in his bag he pulls out the photos of his adventures. One of the firemen hauls out a microwave and tells mum and dad that this is what started the fire. Kevs folks can’t remember using it and open the door to reveal the chunk of the Evil one!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Kev warns them not to touch it so what do they do??? Yeah you guessed it. The simpletons blow up! Kev left in the wreckage alone the camera zooms out and we see the estate again then earth then the universe finally panning into the map. A pair of tiny hands appear and roll up the map!!! Roll the credits!!!!!!!

I give this movie a score of 6.9/10

Well now that was a fucking ride wasn’t it? Ok, lets have a ramble. Released in 1981 it is now 39 years old. Made for a tiny sum of $5 million it ended up grossing $42.4 million which is extraordinary. The movie was written by Terry Gilliam and Michael Palin both Pythons so we can expect something twisted and well written which this movie is. The running joke of the couple trying to hook up being set it in different time periods makes if funny each time and the chemistry of the Bandits is great you don’t really see them as individuals most of the time but as one collective entity and I believe the casting for the movie called upon the talents of all the “short” – can we say that? or is it still p.c to say dwarfs? – actors working in movies, TV and on stage at the time. As I say they come across brilliant as a group and the few times the focus is on anyone other than Randell the individual acting talent can be seen. Most of the focus is on the leader Randell and the young lad Kevin playing polar opposites to each other with Randell in it for the money at any cost and Kevin bringing morality to the situation and it works really well – mostly. Kev’s acting comes across a little wooden at times which is probably down to the kids age which is a shame. Special effects and set design is amazing and surreal which is to be expected considering the writers of this classic although there are some scenes that let things down for example when the group walk across the bridge to enter the fortress towards the end – watch and you will see what I mean. A different short or even leaving this close up out would have worked better. The rest of it is fantastic from the ogre to the giant and Evil plus his minions. I like the way all the time periods and characters encountered are from Kevin’s room found in either pictures on the wall or toys on the floor there is not better example of this than the final battle. The theme of run away consumerism is prevalent throughout the film and is embodied in the gangs quest for loot, Kev’s parents obsession with the latest gadgets and the gameshow host.

A classic from my childhood and a movie that remains close to my heart but although most of it stands the test of time some of it doesn’t solid themes and a subtle message. Good movie this one so I will say…….

“By Odin’s beard get this movie in your eyes!”

Thanks for reading this one, it was more lengthy then some of my other review so, again, thanks for sticking it out. As usual links are below to the usual sites. Until the next time farewell!! Like and share guys – “SKOL!” in advance!!

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/time_bandits

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081633/

SUCKER PUNCH

Sucker Punch movie poster.
Trailer time!!!!!

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle of a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

SYNOPSIS

In a nut shell Sucker Punch is the tale of Babydoll played by Emily Browning who after the loss of her mother accidentally kills her sister while protecting her from their sweaty rape monster of a Stepfather played by Gerard Plunkett who has her committed to a Insane Asylum. We follow Babydoll and three other women Rocket played by Jena Malone, Sweet Pea played by Abbie Cornish, Amber played by Jamie Chung and Blondie played by Vanessa Hudgens as they plan to escape. The quest takes the girls through a series of bizarre fantasy sequences as they collect the items they need to break free before the High Roller played by Jon Hamm arrives to claim Babydoll all under the watchful eyes of Blue played by Oscar Isaac and his staff. The girls are assisted along the way by Dr. Gorski played by Carla Gugino and the Wise Man played by Scott Glenn. Will they get out??

Now are you ready to dive face first into the dance of insanity (or is it) that is Sucker Punch? Strap in your eye balls and engage the “what the fuck” nugget in your brain because you my friends are about to have your minds blown!! Seriously if you don’t have a single WTF moment watching this then you are dead inside. Truly dead. Like flatline-in-a-body bag-tag-on-the-toe-dead.

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Baby

The movie opens with the death of Baby’s mother and we she her struggle to protect her sister from their violent step father this builds to a head and we see Baby shoot at him while trying to save her sister but the bullet misses the man and she accidentally killers her sister. Fleeing the scene she is taken into custody at the mother grave.

Sensing an opportunity to get rid of her her step father commits Baby to Lennox House – a institution for criminally insane women, at least that’s what I’m assuming as all the “inmates” are women and none of them seem to be “insane” as you would normally picture in your minds eye.

She is taken to the theatre to be assessed and it is a theatre with a stage and everything. It’s explained that Doctor Gorski uses the space to help the girls. Baby is being checked out by 3 other women while her step father concludes a transaction with the man who greeted them when they entered! Yep the sleezy arsehole has sold his step daughter to this, now seemingly shady, institution.

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Dr. Gorski

There is a girl sat on a bed on the stage. She turns to the camera while Doctor G tells her to listen to the music and that she is in a safe place and to just let go.

Fucker it turns out the step father wants baby to have a lobotomy!! What a cockwomble!

I know what your thinking – hey, Viking your said this was gonna get my face wet with insanity!!! This shit is pretty average so far. WTF dude! – stick with me it’s coming…..

Now at this point in the movie we have been given 3 visual keys. Don’t worry if you missed them I know I switch off when I watch a movie and default into a more let’s ride this bitch and see where we go kinda mentality. We go through a montage of Baby being in therapy session with the doctor while a version of Where is My Mind by the Pixies plays. The montage ends with baby in a chair about to have a big fuck off spike smashed into her brain via her eye socket. OK now what the fuck is that shit? Yeah a lobotomy I know but fuuuuuuuuck!

As the spike draws close and is about to be struck she calls out stop! BOOM! we are on the stage and it’s not baby in the chair but Sweet Pea and she ain’t happy about this “show”. Out in what has now become the lounge of a 50’s club is Baby, her stepfather and the nurse, Blue, from the beginning who was doing the shady deal with dad!! He now looks like a club manager and step dad is a priest. He, Blue, explains that the High roller is coming and he wants Sweet Pea to show Baby around. Again not happy Sweet Pea palms Baby off on Rocket – her sister. Rocket explains the club is a front for Blue’s nefarious businesses.

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Sweet Pea

The girls are warming up for rehearsal and we get introduced to Amber and Blondie. Baby is told that everyone gets a dance and that they are for the men who come to the club to watch.

Now I know you read the last few bits and went wait what the fuck is going on? The dad is a priest and we are in a 50s club lounge?? Yeah we’ll you didn’t get it wrong. We are taking another step towards the wet side of crazy that is this movie.

In the kitchen Rocket is caught stealing some chocolate and Baby rescues her from the huge cook who would have no doubt done something to her with grease – bork!

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Rocket

We are back to the rehearsal room and Doc G picks Babydoll to dance while the girl, blue and another gent watch. The music plays and after a failed attempt Babydoll drifts away while Bjorks Army of One plays and in one slow blink of a transition we are transported to a  Japanese courtyard with a temple/dojo at one end and its snowing!

OK now pause for one second. Now I know your doing a WTF face right now. I can see it! OK, OK let carry on – hit play!

Babydoll walks up the temple steps and enters the temple. Its light by candles and holy fuck does this place look amazing, there is a dude in Japanese priests robes who bollocks Baby for not taking her shoes off. He hits her with some cryptic shit about what she is looking for and tells her he will help be free and then gives Babydoll a Katana and gun. He tells he she will need 5 items a map, fire, a knife and a key the 5th item is a mystery. Cheers you fucking cryptic motherfucker. Oh and one more thing – defend yourself!!

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The Wise Man

Yeah you ain’t seeing things that’s 3 GIANT samurai demon monster things!! Now let’s get into one of my fave scenes from this movie!! I’ll drop the link below if you wanna watch it but its fucking epic! Not epic in scale but in the sheer visual eye fest that it is!

These guys are awesome!

We are about a third of the way through as Babydoll is back from tripping balls and snaps back to everyone clapping her performance! Sweet Pea is not impressed and that night Babydoll tells the girls she is planning to escape. Sweet Pea warns everyone that it is a bad idea and the last 3 girls that tried it ended up dead. Cut to rehearsal dressing room and Rocket talks Sweet Pea into helping with the escape by telling her that Baby saved her from the cook. Babydoll tells the girls what they need – the map, key, fire and knife – and that they have 3 days before the High roller comes. We get some cuts of where the items are and those of you who are more observant will have spotted these aaaaaaaages ago lol. Sweet Pea and the rest are in!! Fuck yeah! Just like the A-Team our heroines swing into action by first stealing the map but in order to do this Blue need distracting and Babydoll is back dancing and this time we get transported to a WW1 battlefield. All the girls are here and wouldn’t you know the dungeon master guy from the temple is here as a army officer. The girls mission is to get the map from the Germans!! But not just any Germans noooo that would be too easy these Germans are reanimated dead powered by steam!!

Told you this would get weird! This entire movie must have been written on one stupidly massive dose toad coated in LSD followed by a shot of mushrooms!

It doesn’t end there as Amber gets a Mech, yeah a big fuck you mech suit loaded with guns!

“Remember ladies if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything!”

Our combat team takes it to Jerry with much skill and violence! I can’t get across how enjoyable these “trips” are to watch! I may drop this scene here too if I remember.

I remembered…..

Back to the club Doc G and Blue argue over Baby being ready to preform. Now with the map secure the girls plan to aquire the next item for escape – fire.
Back to Baby on stage while Amber pick pockets the fat man’s lighter. And in a blink we are in a bomber circling a castle that is under seige! Under seige by fucking orcs! The mission is to retrieve the fire inside the castle! And now we get another visceral eye fest and the team fight their way inside guns blazing and swords flashing. Mopping up inside the girls find the what they came for – a young dragon – in order to get the fire Baby has to kill it which angers the mother! Fuck you says the massive dragon, fuck you with a stick with some poo on the end of it! Evac! Eject!! Danger, danger, danger!! The dragon goes ape shit but it doesn’t stop super woman Babydoll stabbing the fucker right in the dome!

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Blondie

Back in the room! Fire secured the girls celebrate. Blue enters and reaffirms his rule of the institution by give the girls shit and roughing them up a little! He let’s them know something is up but he doesn’t know what. Not to be knocked off mission Baby wants to carry on but Sweet Pea wants out and trys to get Rocket to go with her. Refusing Rocket says she wants to escape still and Sweet Pea storms off. Blondie is crying outside Doc G’s room and they have a heart to heart – the girls may be in trouble.

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Amber….

Back in Sweet Pea locks the cook into the kitchen so Baby can preform and they can steal the knife. Our trip down the rabbit hole takes us to the far future and the lasses have to do a heist on a moving train guarded by robots!! The mission disarm a bomb on the train. Dropped from a chopper the girls fight their way though the train pressed by the time limit ticking on the bomb. Que the close quarters slow mo gals and guns fight scene. I swear these dream sequences are giving my eyes diabetes! Bomb deactivated the girls escape but desaster strikes and Rocket is killed protecting her sister as the cook comes out of the trance Baby’s dancing put him in long enough to realise something was going on and stabs Rocket. Blues breaks the door down and forces Baby to dance as the Highroller has arrived!

The train

Blue gives a speech of how he is the good guy by giving the girls all these things and they have betrayed him! Doc G trys to stand up to him and he pulls a gun on her causing Blondie to confess it was her who tipped Blue off! What a twat! Blue then executes buth Blondie and Amber to prove a point! Forcing the girls out Blue is left alone with Baby and he attacks her causing Baby to stab him and steal his key. Breaking Sweet Pea out out the utility cupboard and setting fire to it they make their way through the halls to the door. And escape once the fire alarm unlocks the gate. The high roller is outside! So close and yet so far. Baby realises she is the final component needed for the escape and tells Sweet Pea she is going to sacrifice herself so she can get away!!

Knocked unconscious Baby awakens in a room with the High Roller. He starts giving his monologue about being free and the meanings of freedom while rolling up his sleeves and his assistants saunter off to out of shot. They kiss……… BANG! The hammer hits the spike and there is a flash of scenes taking us back to the start of the movie. It is revealed that the High Roller is the doctor who has just preformed the lobotomy. Doc G comes in and explains that Baby started a fire and helped another inmate to escape. The High Roller – lets just keep calling him that – is freaked out by what he say in Babydolls eyes right as the hammer struck. Confused Doc G is asking why Baby is here and why the lobotomy was done!

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Blue.

While being escorted back to her room Baby and is met by Blue nursing a stab wound. Wanting his revenge he arranges to be left in a room with her. He kisses her but becomes gets angry Baby isn’t the same. We fuck stain she wouldn’t be would she? She just had a spike driven through her eye socket and into her brain making her a vegetable!

As his tantrum escalates the cops bust in and arrest Blue. It turns out he forged Gorski’s signature to have the lobotomy done as part of his shady arrangement with Baby’s stepdad.

Cut to Sweet Pea boarding a bus to FREEDOM! Shit its the cops and they want a word! God damn rozzers always fucking up peoples shit. But hold up!! Who is this coming to the rescue? Its the bus driver and fuck me it’s the Wise Man for Baby’s fantasy dreams! He covers for Sweet Pea telling the cops she had been on the bus for a while now and only got off to use the bathroom. Falling for this the police leave and Sweet Pea is finally free!!

I give this movie a score of 8.5/10

Well Jesus where do I begin with that? Maybe a few details?? Yeah, cool. Ok so Sucker Punch was released in 2011 and ended up grossing a cool $89.792 million worldwide. It didn’t receive good ratings on the usual sites – IMDB and RT. Zack Synder directing and co-writer this was his first foray into something of an original concept and it was described, by Snyder himself, as Alice in Wonderland with machine guns. I’d say it is a little more than that – the movie trips balls deep with a very, very dark sub context. I’m pretty sure it covers a bunch of like stuff inner strength and sacrifice but I’m in it for the action and the dream sequences which are amazing in both design and execution. A special effects roller coaster of a movie. Kinetic action with slow-mo used in all the right places! This film truly draws inspiration from everything going and I love it for doing that! I didn’t feel the acting was wooden or forced at any stage either. Yes it looks like a schoolgirl perv fest at first glance but it really isn’t – have a What The Fuck moment and then bare with it as you will be missing out on a great movie otherwise. A special note needs to be made for the soundtrack on this movie – they nailed it with tracks from Bjork, Annie Lennox, Queen and Skunk Anansie. You can find a full list of the music here – https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0978764/soundtrack.

“By Odin’s beard get this movie in your eyes!”

Well that’s me done for now. Thanks for taking the time to have a read. Later guys! Links below for the usual movie rating sites

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0978764/

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/sucker_punch_2011/

Night of the Comet

Night of the Comet DVD cover
Before we get to it here is the trailer for said movie!

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle of a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

Ok, so this is my review of the 1984 movie Night of the Comet. Now this is a movie that still scares the shit out of me to this very day. As always SPOLIERS are ahead!! Now that you have been warned lets kick this review off with the opening speech from the narrator…..

Since before recorded time, it had swung through the universe in an elliptical orbit so large that its very existence remained a secret of time and space.  But now, in the last few years of the twentieth century, the visitor was returning.  The citizens of Earth would get an extra Christmas present this year as their planet orbited through the tail of the comet.  Scientists predicted a light show of stellar proportions, something not seen on earth for sixty-five million years—indeed not since the time that the dinosaurs disappeared—virtually overnight.  There were a few who saw this as more than just a coincidence, but most didn’t…

Doesn’t get spookier than this, does it?

So our movie opens with the streets packed with folks out to enjoy this astral light show and cuts to the heroine of the movie, Regina played by Catherine Mary Stewart, she is rocking some classic 80’s hair and is packing a attitude and right now she is focused on getting a top score on the classic arcade game Tempest. Regina starts getting hassle from her boss the movie theatre manager Mel played by Stanley Brock who has credits as long as an elephants wang including the classic Segal movie Hard to kill! But I digress. I know what most of you are thinking – what the ever blue fuck is Tempest? Well it’s a classic of a video game and a right piss on to play in an arcade cabinet. Mel finally get Reg back to work but not before she notices her clean sweep of the Tempest leader board has been fucked up by someone douche called DMK – remember this, it’s gonna come up later.

Regina with that classic gamer stare – TOTAL FOCUS!

Reg, finally back to work is warned to stay out of the projection booth but of course she ignores this to hook up with her prick of a boyfriend who “rents” out the cinema movie reels for a price. He is in the middle of a deal as Regie enters. He outlines the plan for both of them to stay the night in the cinema so he can get the reel back in the morning. What will this criminal mastermind make from this? $110! Oh yeah the crown prince of crime right there. Cut to Regina’s sister Samantha.

Sam in the 80’s clothing style known as what the fuck are you wearing?

We have a brief conversation between the sisters with Regie getting Sam to cover for her over night stay at the cinema. The step mother is unimpressed and gives the sisters some shit about the potential trouble they might get into. Sam drops the classic line of “You were born with an asshole, Doris. You don’t need Chuck!”. Doris is a bit fucked off by this comment and slaps Sam. Sam being the brat she is slaps her back this causes Doris to smash Sam one right in the face making her tumble back into the TV. We cut to the pool party where a electrical light show in the sky starts heralding the comets arrival.

Back to Regie giving her boyfriend an education on Superman and dropping the bomb shell that the movie theatre has walls lined with lead – pretty she this wasn’t allowed even in the 80’s. They start to fool around as the film transitions into some of the worst effects even witnessed outside of a made for TV movie. Saying that the piss all over Birdemic and it’s fucked up NES Duck Hunt effects – don’t google that movie you have had fair warning! The sky flashes with colour and a orange mist descends on the pool party revellers who gaze up at the sky in wonder. Doris feels something on her skin and in her eyes……. dun, dun, dunnnnnn. Cut to morning.

The streets are as empty as Santa’s sack on boxing day morning. The sky has a orange hue. The camera cuts around the desolate streets showing piles of clothes scattered all around. Mixed in with the clothes are pile of orange dust!! What could have happened? I think we know – fucking comets, man! Never trusted them.

Back at the theatre Regie awakens to her boyfriend waiting by the door for the dude who is supposed to drop off the movie reel he copied. Pissed off the guy hasn’t arrived yet he let Regie know he is gonna take his bike to find out what the hell is keeping the guy. Shit doesn’t go well as he is smashed round the melon by some dude with a fucked up face as soon as he cracked the door open. While this happen Regina post high scores to get DMK off the leader board. Sick of this she pokes her nose outside. The door closes on her and super pissed off she ventures to the back alley to get in through the side door. I don’t know what was going through chicks minds in the 80’s but piles of clothing in the street doesn’t seem to phase our hero in the slightest.

Yep the side door is closed also. Kicking it in frustration Reg notices her BF’s bike keys and a wrench on the floor next to a smear of blood, not a splash of blood you would maybe expect from a wrench to the dome but a smear, like someone had stepped in dog shit and did that little slide – you know what I am talking about we have all been there. Inspecting the wrench she get some gunk on her hand. Gross. Drop the creepy music D.J! Seeing the bike at the end of the alley Reg set off to investigate but is stopped short by the sound of what can only be described as bones breaking. BOOM!! the creepy fucked dude leaps up from behind some stock cardboard boxes and growls “Come here!” at Reg – oh shit what will she do? Is she going to be the next victim? Come readers lets see……..

Could have used some Comet Block with added minerals.

Reg warns the fella to back off because she has been “trained to take care of myself! You know what I’m saying?” but I’ll be fucked if this zombie dude just doesn’t get it. Que the right cross palm strike, kick to the zomb-nuts, knee combo! Our heroine escapes on the bike and heads full throttle down the empty streets. Stopping at a red light she notices the car next to her has the radio playing. She starts to suspect something is up. Racing through a montage of street shots she gets home a empty hose. Creeping down the halls she calls her sisters name. Sam springs from a door like nothing is happening. Sam lets Reg know she spent the night in a shed after Doris had decked her last nigh. Reg shakes Sam and drags her outside to find the same piles of clothes, yes folks, Doris got dusted! Reg pours what is left of Chuck out of his shoe. After a bit of a rant and some speculation the sisters decide to head to the radio station as the D.J still seems to be broadcasting live. They start to explore the studio but they are not alone, they are being watched from the shadows. The station turns out to be playing an automated recording! Shit balls!!

Out of the shadows leaps Chakotay waving a gun at our duo! He demands they step into the light so he can see their eyes. The sisters comply and Chakotay, seemingly appeased, tell them his story and tells Reg she was lucky to escape the zombie she encountered in the alley. Chakotay – wait, I’m gonna have to stop calling him by his Star Trek Voyager character, Robert Beltran plays Hector the truck driver.

Have no fear Hector is here!

Sam is dicking around in the D.J booth and tell Reg and Hector she got a call from some shady as fuck scientists telling her they are from some think tank in the desert. The scientists are in some kind of underground lab and argue about bringing survivors back to the bunker. They give us the exposition of why people are turning into zombies and ending up as piles of calcium dust. Sam then gives us some spooky monologue. We cut to Sam speeding down a road at night as she zoom-zooms by two motorcycle cops who give chase and pull her over one comes up to the driver window but oh shit he is a zombie and grabs Sam, struggling she grabs his hand which melts away into goo and bone!! Shit dude. Now these cops are part of what still freaks me out about this movie. Watch it and you will see what I mean! Anyway, startled Sam snaps awake – just a dream thank the baby Jesus for that – still feeling shocked Sam heads to the bathroom to clean up. Tap dripping she checks her face in the mirror and what 80’s movie wouldn’t be complete without a titular teen in underwear scene? Sam strips down only to be grabbed from behind by one of the cycle cops who lifts her off the ground, pulls a knife and stabs her!! Screaming Sam snaps awake again this time for real. Chakotay and Reg have a heart to heart. Hector says he is heading out in the morning to check if any of his family had made it. Sam fills in some back story about how she and her sister got raised on army bases and gun ranges. Yep daddy was Special Forces. Sam begins to scratch a itch.

Daddy would have gotten us Uzis……

The girls decide shooting the shit out of a parked car is just what you do before breakfast these days.

Hector gets home to find it deserted. Hearing the door rattle Hector is spooked and towards the noise opening the door he is confronted by the most fucked up kid I have every laid eyes on – a Looney Tunes type chase happens with Hector bailing out of a window and back to his truck.

Back to the Lab and the female scientist is noting down side effects, side effects that appear to be happening to her. She is told they – the group – have decided to bring survivors back to the facility. We see a child getting off a chopper and the two scientist arguing but we can not hear them over the rotor wash from the chopper.

Back to our leading ladies

Reg and Sam decide that what they need is some retail therapy to help deal with the post apocalyptic stress and we are treated to a dancing montage of our heroines trying on clothes in a department store with Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun plays in the background – classic. But wait, what is this? We have some weird fuck with shades watching them on camera – probs been teasing one out no doubt.

My middle name is Rapey-McRape

The girls are ambushed by this guy and his goons as they kill the lights and put the shit up the sister via the store P.A system. This keys up some classic 80’s gun poses and a cat and mouse shootout takes place and it is a joy to watch, it really is, comedy and action in bucket loads but wouldn’t you know it Sam gets captured and they force Reg to surrender. We cut to the science field trip who use their mighty minds to deduce what bored teen girls would do after shooting the shit out of a car just thirty minutes ago – chubby scientists wry smile tells us they figured it out! Cut back to Reg and Sam as we drop in on them, Willy the store creep has them chained up and is about to play a game he calls Scary Noises but not before he tells them the woes of working in retail. Why the fuck are they all wearing shades?? Well remember when those scientist guys got to talking about the effects of the comet? Well yeah seems Willy and his boys got them selves exposed. Will whips off the shades to reveal sunken eyes – HORROR!!! OH THE HORROR!!! But seriously it’s creepy as fuck. Science to the rescue and the eggheads rescue or stars from a fate worse than, well worse than a 90’s horror movie. Sam is getting some tests run on her by that one chick scientist while Reg is whisked off to the science bunker. She injects Sam and Sam falls asleep apparently dead- yeah they are up to no good but science chick is developing some kind of remorse she tells chunky science dude as much by telling him she isn’t taking anyone else back as the effects are accelerating and they maybe only have hours left before they too become zombie like or dust then she straight up shoots him!

Back to Hector who tips up at the radio station dressed as Santa – did I forget to say this movie is also a Christmas movie? No? Well it is! I know, right! Surprise motherfucker!!Anyway, science chick is waiting for him with her gun drawn. She fills Hector in on how they are using survivors blood to develop a serum and then kills herself with the injection intended for Sam. Cut to Reg being asked a series of medical questions. After a bit of back and forth the main science dude is called out and as he leaves he tells Reg that Sam is dead we cut away from a stunned Reg to kids being prepped to haver their blood drained. Back in the interrogation room Reg attacks a scientist taking him out with what could only be a cement filled keyboard.

Chakotay to the rescue!

Outside the compound gates Chakotay/Hector pulls up and proceeds to sucker punch the one guard. One fucking guard?? It’s a top secret facility and they have Jeff the gullible on duty – for fucks sake. With Reg on the loose inside and Hector working his way inside we see a bit more of the compound and those experiments. Horrified Reg stumbles on bodies hooked up and being drained of blood but she stuck around too long and is captured by head science dude.

Hector is busy wiring up TNT to the compound trucks and what is this? Who do these legs belong to? It’s only fucking Sam! The power is cut and the bodies already hooked up flatline. Reg recuses the two kids from moments ago and hooks up with Sam who she almost caps in the head. Escaping from the compound with the science team in chase they pile in to Hector’s sweet new ride. As the science guys get in to a truck to chase after them it’s revealed top science dude has gone full zombie and as he turns the keys he triggers Hectors booby trap – BOOM! A fire ball rises into the night as our heroes watch from afar.

As the rains wash away the dust and the sky clears to blue again we find our group taking family photos with Reg being all motherly and shit. Hector seeing no need for guns starts to bin them because why wouldn’t you need them? Seriously……. why? Someone needs to slap Hector for real. Sam is waiting across the street for the Reg, Hector and the kids to cross but deciding not to wait for the walk signal Sam steps out into the road and is almost flattened by a guy in a car! Jumping at the offer to go for a “ride” Sam jumps in with him. Reg tells them to be back by midnight. As the car pulls away it shows a it’s plate to be……..

Told you it would come up again.

Roll credits! And there we have it. As I have said to people before, it’s not a great movie but it puts the shits up me. I don’t know if its the music during those scenes or the whole though of intelligent zombies that freaks me out but I do suggest that people go and see it! I mean shit, it’s on Netflix right now. Ill drop some links to IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes too.

I give this movie a score of 6.5/10

A different take on the zombie style of movies this was refreshing especially back in the early 80’s. With a budget of $700,000 it managed to bring in a total of $14.4 million – which isn’t half bad if you ask me. The score has both modern hits for the time balanced with a good mix of orchestral tracks which do covey that sinister synth atmosphere that gave we the willies. I love the characters even if the dialogue is sometimes very wooden, I mean what the fuck was going on with those actors playing the scientists? The zombie dude at the beginning, zombie kid and Willy and his boys are way better characters. The sisters have good on screen chemistry which carries throughout the film. The movie has that good 80’s vibe and it may be one of the reasons I love it. The special effects are great not accounting for the dodgy comet lightning effects, the practical makeup is well done and not overbearing this is most likely down to money constraints. It was great re-watching this movie years after Star Trek Voyager and being blown away by seeing Robert Beltran in it – how young does he look btw lol Yeah the movie has it’s faults – what movie doesn’t but it is entertaining and funny at the right times which is why it has scored above average with me. Final words on this film –

“By Odin’s beard get this movie in your eyes!”

Well that’s me done for now. Thanks for taking the time to have a read. Later guys! Links below for the usual movie rating sites!

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/night_of_the_comet

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087799/

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