Clash of the Titans (1981)

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I like this movie poster and there are so many to choose from.
Like the poster the trailer is one of many but this is my fave

My “reviews” are pretty much me doing a scene by scene run through of the movie which is sometimes long and sometimes short depending on, well depending on if it’s a bag of shit, semi decent or good – you get the point. These “reviews” fall onto the page pretty much how the words would fall from my mouth. It’s not pretty but hopefully its entertaining and if it’s gets at least one chuckle or a smile then I’ve achieved what I set out to do here.

SYNOPSIS

Ok, where to start with this? Maybe a bullet point kind thing as it might make it easier to follow. Here we go………

King Acrisius played by Donald Houston – King of Argos – has a daughter, Danae played buy the amazing backside of Vida Taylor, and she is smokin’ hot so he locks her up so no blokes can get their sweaty hands on her.

Zeus, here played by Laurence Olivier, – King of the Gods – is having none of this and promptly visits the mortal realm to give her a taste of his lightning bolt! Zeus is a fool and didn’t wrap his tool and the princess gets knocked up with Zeus’ son Perseus played by Harry Hamlin.

Acrisius is so mad with Zeus that he seals his daughter and new born grandson into a wooden box that he flings into the ocean.

Zeus is pissed off with this and orders Jack Gwillim as Poseidon to “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” to destroy Argos. Release the Kraken is something that usually only gets shouted out during one of Zeus’ massive shits…… just saying –

All of this happens in the first 10 mins of the movie. We then follow our hero Perseus as he tries to rescue Judi Bowker as princess Andromeda who is to be sacrificed to the Kraken in order to stop the city of Joppa meeting the safe fate as Argos – again the bidding of Zeus, yeah, I’ll get into that in the scene by scene. Perseus learns that the head of the Gorgon Medusa can turn any living thing is gazes upon to stone so the lad is off to kill him a snake chick so he can use her head to kill the Kraken. I’ll be honest I don’t think I have ever tried this hard to get my leg over! So you might be thinking poor Perseus how ever will he manage this incredible feat of heroism?? Well he is a demi god to start with and he gets a band of brave cannon fodder….. I mean soldiers to go with him, he also has some of the other gods looking out for him and they gift him with some magic stuff including a metal clockwork owl and Pegasus – yeah, for real!

Will the lad get the lass or will he become a statue for the snake chicks garden of stone?? Are there boobies in this move? Well it is the 80’s, lets strap in, snack up and fill our horns with mead and find out…………  

The movie opens with Danae and Perseus being cast into a stormy ocean and Acrisius bad mouthing Zeus for what he is being forced to do. To be fair it is more a coffin than a box and it is pretty roomy in fact its like a small covered boat. Shit upholstery though and no padding. Makes you wonder if he cared at all. We follow from a seagulls eye view over the sea and some hills as the credits roll in and we end up at Mount Olympus – ah the seagull was actually a god in disguise! Sneaky fuckers these gods. Well Acrisius has pisses Zeus off no end and he orders Poseidon to “Release the Kraken!”. It promptly destroys the city of Argos and as Poseidon opens the gates that hold the creature we get to see the first bits of stop motion wizardry from Ray Harryhausen. Argos falls as Zeus crushes a statue of it’s king in his godly hand.

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We cut to the floating coffin as the sun sets. The king of the oceans reports back to Zeus who tells him that the mother and child are safe this leads us into our first cut of boobies!

A montage of young Perseus growing up cut with the gods watching over him follows our tits and arse scene.

Back in Olympus Thetis is making a case for her son Calibos to be spared and for Zeus to show him pity. This fucker has been killing the flying horses leaving only Pegasus alive. The mercy Zeus shows is transforming Calibos into a monster who is condemned to live in the swamps. Shame he was such a dick as he was all set to become a king and marry Andromeda. Thetis is a bit upset over this and decides nobody will marry her if her son can not…… she set her plan in motion to cut Perseus loose of the gods protection and for him to experience real life!! She transports him across the sea to the city of Joppa which happens to be where Andromeda is.

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Perseus awakens in a amphitheatre and he meets Ammon a friendly poet and playwright – ain’t the all? Ammon fills Perseus in on where he is – Joppa – and that the city is under a curse! Perseus tells Ammon his story but the old fella already knows for it is legend and a cracking tale to tell for the last 20 years. Perseus explains he is now on a mission to restore the kingdom of Argos – but I bet the kingdom of Joppa will do.

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Zeus is now kicking off, again, as he has found out what Thetis has done. He demands the gods bestow some flash gear on Persius and we have a little laugh at the lengths Zeus has gone to get his end away.

Out swinging a sword around in the amphitheatre, Perseus sees a glint of light flash from a alcove and heads over to check it out. What he fins is a sword of exquisite craftmanship all shiny and shit. Real bling going on with this blade i’m not gonna lie. The thing looks like a letter opener P Diddy would have on a desk somewhere. Magic Perseus whispers. Ammon inspects the sword and tells Perseus is made from a metal he has never seen which cuts through marble like butter. Glancing around the duo see other gifts consisting of a shield – which has a video message from Zeus warning him to take care of the shield as it will save his life one day and a helmet which makes the person who wears it invisible. Persi…… for fuck skae it’s getting annoying writing this dudes name every handful of words from now on I think just calling him the lad will work. The lad, now invisible except for his footprints in the sand heads off to Joppa – probs to perv on some naked chicks…….

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Making his way through Joppa the lad sees many new sights for the first time this makes him look like the proverbial tourist. One of the city guard notices this and they have a chat. The lad asks what happened and points over to the remains of a poor soul burned at the stake. No not a criminal as you might have suspected but a suiter of the hand of Andromeda who got the riddle wrong – harsh but fair….. I guess. The guard fills him in on the back story of Calibos and the rules of the riddle which changes for each suiter – well they haven’t made this hard have they ffs. Learning that the princess is up in the palace and hasn’t spoken out about the events of the riddle burnings the lad decides he is gonna pull a Zeus and invis himself up into her chambers – the seedy fucker!! Just as he is about to pull a “Bodyguard” in the princesses room a huge fuck off vulture lands a person sized cage on the balcony. Sliding the helmet back on the lad watches the soul/spirt/sleeping aura of the princess leave her bed and get into the cage. Off flys the vulture with the cage in its talons.

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Perseus – I know – confused goes over to the bed and checks out the “sleeping” body of the princess. Confused as fuck he returns to the amphitheatre to fill old man Ammon in on what he saw. The old fella deduces the brid flew off into the swamps which is the local hang out for Calibos these days. Ammon has a plan on how to follow the bird – it’s risky and might not work……… can you guess what it is yet?? Nope not Rolph’s Cartoon Club you sick twats.

No it’s Pegasus!!!

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Off the dudes go to catch them a flying horse! This is the third creature we have seen in all it’s hand animated glory – sorry the vulture was the second – Helmet on the led sneaks out to rope the last of the winged horses. After a brief struggle the young fella manages to mount the horse – they take flight!! After a airborne breaking scene they land and, by the gods, Pegasus is all chill. The lad gathers some water in his helmet for the horse to drink.

The next night Perseus is ready to follow the Vulture as it takes off with the spirit of the sleeping Andromeda. They follow the bird to the lair of Calibos which is far away and deep in the swamps. The vulture watches as Andromeda makes her ways from the cage to stand before the hoven footed beast that is now Calibos who is all kinds of hairy and not just, you know, Greek hairy the dude has it going on thick, he also has a couple of horns sprouting from his head!

He adorns Andi with a necklace of gold and jewels. Andi asks him why she has been summoned to him again. Calibos advises tells her he wants to gaze on her beauty but also to give her a new riddle!! The sly fucker this is how it changes every time. Tears in her eyes Andi begs him to stop but Calibos is having none of it. We get to see the stop motion version of Calibos here on his golden throne. Having a quick feel of Andi he tells her she will remember the new riddle when the next suiter comes a calling. Andi begs him to stop again but he refuses and sends her on her way back to the cage. Andi pulls off the necklace and lets it fall to the ground. The swamp minons of Calibos watch as she leaves.

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Spotting the footprints of a invisible Perseus – sly fucker knows the answer to the riddle now -, Calibos follows the lad into the swamp and attacks while the lad is looking for Pegasus! It’s here that the lad loses his helmet as the hair palmed beast grabs him from behind. The struggle ends when the lad pulls his sword and swings down………

Cut to the queen who is putting her daughter up on the riddle block again. She calls for any man to step forward if he fancies his chances! Our lad Perseus steps up with Ammon at his side. Andi begs him not to throw his life away. The lad isn’t phased and asks to give him the riddle – he only smashes it!! Because he has the answer on the hand of Calibos and it the ring on that hand!!

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Rejoice for the princess is free and there won’t be anymore burnings! Throwing himself on the steps of the statue of his mother Calibos calls for help to punish Perseus! Thetis appears in the face of the statue and tells Calibos she can’t touch the lad as he is protected – she asks if he wants justice or revenge? Ooooooh hard choice there but I think he is gonna go scorched earth with this and cut off his nose to spite his face – not that he can afford to lose anymore body parts lol

Perseus and Andromeda are married the next morning! The ceremony is interrupted by the statue of Thetis breaking apart and the head toppling to the ground! Thetis ain’t too happy the queen has made out that her daughter, Andi, is more beautiful than anything in heaven. Thetis whacks them with a corker here she tells them in 30 days they must sacrifice Andi to the Kraken as repentance for the insult to her beauty and the injury inflicted on Calibos!! Oh and she has to be a virgin – so the lad ain’t becoming a man just yet lol Then the rest of the statue crumbles!!

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Trying to formulate a plan Ammon tells the young lad of the three blind old wise women – The Stygian Witches – might know a way. The captain of the guard advises that these witches are cannibals. They don’t have much time and need to set of a.s.a.p.

Calibos is being a sly fucker and takes Pegasus out of the picture by capturing the noble horse thus fucking up any fast route to the witches. Perseus and his band of men head out with the strong headed Andi leading the way. Calibos watches from the shadows.

Up in the halls of mount Olympus Zeus commands that another gift replace that of the helmet since Perseus is going up against the Kraken he might need the help. What gift will replace a cool helmet that turns you invisible??? I’ll tell you what! A fucking mechanical flying owl that’s what!!!

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Yep we now have the montage of shots while the party travel the many, many miles trying to find the witches. Enter BUBO the mechanical owl! Turns out only the lad can understand the owl and lets the party know they need to follow Bubo as he will lead them to the shrine of the witches.

Spooky shrine is up in the spooky mountains. They stop short and head in on foot. A short climb later and they reach their goal. It is a domed building in a crumbling condition.

The witches know someone is coming and although blind they have a orb that allows them to see but only one at a time can use it. They welcome Perseus but he is a tad uneasy especially after seeing a human hand rise out of the cauldron only to be push back in by on of the hags. Around this – temple/shrine – are the remains of many human skeletons. The guards watch from above and release Bubo how snatches the “eye”. With his bargaining chip in hand the lad gets the hags to tell him how to kill the Kraken. They let slip that the Gorgon Medusa’s head will turn all living creatures to stone – a titan against a titan – also her blood is highly poisonous! Learning where he can find Medusa the lad throws the eye to the floor and escapes while the hags scrabble around looking for it. Later at the camp fire Ammon tells the tale of Medusa.

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Perseus tells Andi that she ain’t going with them to kill the Gorgon. They leave early before she wakes. Tears flowing she stares off after them. Now down to six the band approach the River Styx. Taking a couple of men with him Perseus calls for the ferry to carry them across the river. Out of the mist a boat appears. The barge is being piloted by a hooded skeleton who has to have it’s payment of silver……. they are taken across vanishing into the fog. Arriving at the entrance to a care on the opposite shore the lads head in. They enter into a network of passages. Perseus reminds the lads not to look directly at her or it’s statue time!. Clearing the passages they come across an open air temple. Dotted around are the stone remains of petrified men. Two set of yellow eyes watch them from the dark. Ambush!!!!! The group are attacked by a two headed dog! Perseus drops his sword and it’s stolen by a snake – no I am not making this shit up – the guardsmen are having a tough time with the mutt as their swords seem to be doing nothing against it. Meanwhile the lad it trying to snatch his chopper back off the snake. He makes a lunge and grabs the sword back from… from a tiny arsed snake?? It looked way bigger in the last shot…….. anyway, the lad is off and leaping from stone to stone he is now able to lend his hand in the fight with old two heads the dog. A few short swings later and he is victorious. They head into the temple building……

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Shields up to protect their eyes they enter a huge a torch lit room supported by stone columns and interspersed with more unfortunate souls now turned to stone. Silence. The lad scans the room. We see a shadow play against the wall, a rattling tale and a head writhing with snakes. The unit of three move further in. Whoosh-thud!! Or whatever that sound arrows make – one of the trio is skewered in the back with, well, an arrow! He falls screaming into, I dunno, acid I guess? Either that of sext snake lady has a jacuzzi. Taking cover Persius uses his shield to get his first look at what hunts them.

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Medusa crawls forward she has the upper body of a woman the rest from the waste down is all snake. She carries a bow and quiver of arrows. Snake hair going bonkers she scans around for the remaining two of our party. That shield of Perseus is like bloody 4k resolution the reflection he sees if so sharp!. Medusa draws her bow and fires knocking the other guard out into the open and onto the floor as he recovers he glances back only to meet the stare of Medusa full on. Yep it’s statue time for the poor lad! Her green eyes glows brightly and he turns to stone in a flash! She tries the same trick with our young hero but he is too savvy for her and doesn’t fall for it. Using his shield Perseus dodges around the room taking out torches and even throws one to cause a distraction so he can get in a position so he can set up his shield to trick Medusa into thinking she has shot him. She isn’t falling for it but has now lost track of where Perseus is. Slithering through the dark she draws closer and closer to young demi god Perseus. Closer still until – swish – a blind swing sees her head removed from her shoulders!! Thick blood drains from the body and begins to melt the shield – well he was warned – picking up the head the lad makes his way back to the ferry.

We cut to the camp. It’s night and there is a storm. From a branch hangs the head of Medusa wrapped up in the cloak of Perseus. Bubo watches from a rock as lightning flashes across the sky. While they sleep Calibos creeps into the camp and pokes a hole in the wrappings letting the blood of Medusa leak onto the floor covering a trio of scorpions. The blood makes the scorps grow huge. Awakened by Bubo falling into a puddle the band engage the giant creatures. During the fight Calibos frightens the horses away and kills the captain of the guard. Perseus and Calibos get into it. Calibos with his whip pushes the lad back and almost has his but snatching up his sword Perseus throws it at Calibos. Spinning end over end it finds its make and sticks old hairy palms right in the gut. Exhausted our hero collapses at the bank of a stream. Whats this a disturbance in the water? What new horror is this?? Oh it’s only Bubo FFS dude you scared the crap out of us there for a second! Perseus tasks Bubo with finding Pegasus.

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Horsey, horsey, wing, wings is back in the swamps under the guard of the swamp minions of Calibos. Bubo sees them off with ease. He frees Pegasus.

Cut to more bewbs and ass as Andi is getting all cleaned up to be sacrificed.

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Back at the amphitheatre Perseus collapses to the floor. Why he has gone here instead of Joppa is something of a questionable decision.

Back IN Joppa we see Andi being taken to the spot of sacrifice – since we are just been told its that time – and the whole city is out to watch too!!

Poseidon is back opening the giant underwater cat flap for the Kraken so he can go get his nom noms.

But wait what is this! Up in the sky. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Nooooo it’s Perseus!!!! Will he make it in time??

The Kraken is free and raises to the surface all fish faced and hungry. Bubo swoops in to distract the Kraken buying the lad more time. Struggling Andi squirms as the four armed Kraken eyes her up! Just as his clawed hand is about to crush her Perseus glides in brandishing the head of Medusa. The Kraken lashes out knocking both our hero and Pegasus into the ocean! Fear not! Bubo rushes in to retrieve the head of the Gorgon and gets it to Perseus just in time!!! Holding the severed head aloft the young lad turns the monster to stone!!!

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YAY!

Tossing the head into the water not once thinking of the aquatic devestation this will cause of the next few weeks as Medusa, eyes still blazing, creats a massive graveyard of stone fish and sea creatures. Sploooosh! Pegasus bursts from beneath the waves! He survived under water for fucking ages! Who knew they could hold their breath for so long!!

They rejoice!! YAY!! WHOOP WHOOOOOP!!

Zeus and the other gods chat about their future and that of man and Zeus forbids any revenge on Perseus! The young lad and Andi live long lives and happily and have many sons apparently!

Closing the events of this epic off Zeus commands the stars form constellations after our heroes so they will be remembered for eternity!

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Well there we have it! What a ride through some mythology there. This movie has some of my best childhood memories burned into its celluloid. Once again many thanks for coming on this fantasy journey!!

I give this movie a score of 6.0/10

Ok so maybe you guys expected a bit of a higher score? Yeah I wanted to but I have got to score on all aspects of this movie and there is no escaping how dated the effects are now especially on HD screens. Some of the compositing is just outright painful to observe – yes it is a movie from 1981 but FFS if movies like Star Wars and other could pull off great SFX in the 70’s then 80’s movies have no excuse! On the flip side of that the stop motion is amazing! From the god of stop motion Ray Harryhausen himself so it gets bonus points for that. But yeah a lot of ropey SFX in this classic. I also feel the need to take a moment to say this……

Say “Perseus” again! C’mon, say “Perseus” again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say “Perseus” one more goddamn time! Now describe to me another way to refer to our hero here!

The Angry Viking

Ok lets check those box office figures. The movie cost between $9 and $15 millon to make and brought home $41 million in North America alone while grossing around $60 million worldwide. Released 12th of June 1981 it was considered one of the biggest movies of that year.

The cast is for the most part really well suited to their roles. Zeus steals the show just for his voice alone. The only person that I feel is a little – read as very – wooden is the young Perseus himself. Jesus it is hard to watch him in some scenes! The editing would have benefitted from some fades of transitional wipes from scene to scene as the hard cuts are ok the fades would have helped transition scenes better when cutting from the heroes and mount Olympus for example. Score wise there is nothing special to write about here. It instrumental and totally forgettable – sorry.

Other than my small SFX issues this movie is a great family movie – yep even with the tits and arse! It’s on of those Sunday afternoon movies to chill with the kind you settle down to watch after a Sunday roast. It’s a comfort movie. What more can I say? Watch it again and be transported back in time to a warmer place in your life. Wrap this movie around you and remember what fun it was when you first saw it.

“By the nipples of Freyja this movie deserves a cup of mead to honour it! Now get it in your eyes mortals!”

What a movie. As long as you have been entertained reading this then I’m doing what I set out to do! Thanks again guys. As usual the links for those popular sites are below. Until next time may Huginn and Muninn keep watch on you and yours! Like and share if you can I do apricate it guys as it keeps the Valkyries tits deep in mead!!

https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/clash_of_the_titans/

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082186/

Published by Angry Viking

Now I am not a movie "critic", if there is such a thing, this is my take on the movies I have seen and my experience of them. I hope you will, at the very least, get a chuckle out of reading these and who knows, maybe you will go give them a watch?

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